Alyeska Ski Patrol Auction: The Bios

Kent “want to pet my puppy?” May

With marriage out of the way Kent is following the age old stall tactic of delaying having kids by just getting a dog instead. He won the kids vs. dog argument with the astute observation that no infant has ever successfully rescued anyone from an avalanche and in fact it would be dangerous to even ask them to do so. We are proud of Kent on patrol due to the fact that he is always the first voice to pipe up to try and get us a fair shake with management. His most recent proposal of an in house “thai massage parlor” for patroller aches and pains was met with resistance but we are confident his resilience will win out. Kent is proud to say his wife who is still taller and hotter than him hasn’t left him after a whole year of marriage.

Favorite Quote : “When you get knocked down the best thing to do is eat a sandwich and take a nap” – Winston Churchill

 Lynn “Does it hurt there? How about lower?” Whitcomb 

Voted aidroom attendant of the year by bandaid magazine, Lynn is now the queen of the medical side of our patrol. Lynn joined the ski patrol family after an unsuccessful three years on Amishdatefinder.com. Her mantra is, “your worst day is my best!” It’s not that Lynn wants anyone to get hurt, but if you have to…make it something she can take pictures of to use at next year’s aid room training.  Lynn claims to alpine ski, telemark ski, and snowboard. She will also claim to have actually seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, and a unicorn if she thought it would come with dinner and drinks. It’s not that we worry about Lynn but her most recent reason to celebrate is that she has nothing to celebrate. We’re hoping that changes tonight.

Favorite quote – “If its brown and sticky you should probably lick it to find out for sure what it is” – 1972’s – First Aid for the Modern Ski Patroller (2nd edition)

 

Brian “The only guy to ever go to knitting night” Kramp 

His graduating class voted Brian most likely to live in a small, waterless, powerless cabin in the woods. He now fills this roll in his quaint chateau up Crow Creek Road, bucket included. He is currently using his spare time to write his memoirs entitled “God I Wish I Could Just Plug in A Space Heater” which is the sequel to his first book “too many mice too little time.” Instead of wine, guests to his house are asked to bring a least half of a cord of wood and will also need to bring their own drinking water. Brian’s current dog Healy, is happy to be owned by such a resourceful man, but little does the dog know its sole purpose is to keep Brian from freezing to death.

 Favorite Quote “Go forth my son, and ski the powder” – Jesus Christ

 

Stacie “My dogs have better health insurance than a ski patroller” Lordan

We are happy to welcome Kilo as the newest addition to the dog rescue program. He is from Hungary; which most of us assume is somewhere south of Libya but north of Quebec. Stacie was also imported from Hungary and, like Kilo, she started off as a small, wild, non-housebroken young professional. The other patrollers are getting jealous of her dogs’ outstanding medical care and international travel passport. When one of us gets injured our best line of care is having 2 shots of whiskey and a trip to the Bush Company. However, Stacy’s love of animals is unquestioned and we look forward to seeing her thrive as the newest handler in the program.

Favorite quote : “I’m so happy that I’m married to a man who was once voted Teen Magazines Hunk of the Month” – Stacie Lordan

Matt “I see your single, get in the sled” Armington     

Yes, that’s right, Matt is our “Johnny on the spot” patrolman ready at a moments notice with a sled. He’ll pick you up and have you to the Aid Room in no time. In fact, last year he set a new record for sled rides with 32. Unfortunately for Matt, not one of those sled rides yielded a date. No worries “Armo” maybe this year you can entice the opposite sex with your new moniker, “Captain Armo, Lead Patrolman of the High Silver Team”.  Yea, that’s it…go with something that means nothing to anyone but John Farmer. When asked what he wants to be when he grows up, Armington replies that he’ll never grow up. Apparently, he’ll also never own a car. In any case you won’t be disappointed bidding on this “ski-hunk” because after spending the morning with Matt you’re guaranteed be sore and tired…from the skiing.

Favorite Quote: “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong”. -Anonymous 

Mik “I’m the princess of everything now. B!#$&s” Jedlicka

We would like to congratulate Mik on her recent engagement. Mik and Mark have quickly entered every married couples blissful arrangement whereby she stays in Girdwood skiing powder while he spends the winter sheetrocking their new home preparing for years of future nuptial bliss. We are kidding of course; Mik has been hard at work as the new Assistant Patrol Director fluffing boo and taking names. We think the power is going to her head as she recently ordered a hot pink snow machine to get to her “meetings”. She is finally making the big bucks with this promotion and all of you who attend the auction are invited to her open bar wedding this summer. No RSVP required!

Favorite Quote – “If you want to stop the avalanche, first you must be the avalanche” Sun-Tzu, The Art of War

Zach “Often mistaken for 90s heartthrob Zach Morris of saved by the bell” Behney

As a hang glide instructor you could say that Zach is an expert in getting and staying high. When not high, he is employed by Katmai National Park as a “bear viewing expert.” Due to the government shutdown Zach is openly searching for new jobs and so far has applied to such coveted positions as the head of the Canadian Avalanche Rescue Cat Association (CARCA) and Doctors Without Borders or Medical Licenses. Zach feels that with his bachelor of fine arts in making ”pottery” from Green Mountain College has him prepared for the real world beyond patrol. If he fails to get either of these jobs his failsafe backup plan is drive-thru vegan hot dog stand.

Favorite quote – “Faceshots bra” – The Dalai Llama

Amanda “My alcohol intake is being supervised” Sassi

The patrol is proud to introduce Sassi as the newest member of our trail crew. She worked hard and was lucky to only have to take 2 demotions in order to attain this esteemed position. Instead of making a 6 figure salary as a paramedic on the slope she now enters a world of sex, drugs and rock and roll rivaled by nothing else in corporate America. Some of the perks of trail crew that she is looking forward to are the single digit per hour wage, never being allowed on chair 6, and all the bags of Redpawtm dog food she can eat. The good news this year is that she is the first ever trail crew paramedic and we are lucky to have someone willing enough to trade money for fun.

Favorite Quote : “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water” – Plato

Jon “Beacon, shovel, probe………..whiskey?” Farmer

As the saying goes only two things come from Texas : Steers and well……..apparently floral technician-ski patrollers. After seeing John in his finest woman’s attire last year his lady friend gently suggested that maybe it would be better if his dress size was a little smaller than his 30.5 boot size. John is proud to say he has dropped 20 pounds and can now shop at the “husky” section of most fine women’s retailers. Due to his stance on non-gmo food he was easily able to lose weight with a strong diet of packing peanuts dipped in lemon water. He hasn’t pooped in 3 months but reports that “no one ever said being sexy was easy.”

Favorite quote : “John, you may not be the smartest, or the fastest, or the strongest, or best looking, or the funniest, or a good athlete but…….umm…….well…..you were always great at tying your shoes”  Brenda Farmer (John’s Mom) 

Beth “This is the first time I’ve shaved my legs since last year” Cleary

Beth comes to us after a failed stint in the circus where she was fired for burning the big top down while attempting to fire hula hoop while drunk.  After being promoted this year Beth is looking forward to an extreme hazing regimen of the new trial crew members. If you don’t understand what that means ask Beth to grab a drill and to go set up the runway baffles on a Saturday morning after a late Friday night. If you want to get to know Cleary, buy her a few drinks and get comfy, she’s got more baggage than Southwest Airlines. Beth prides herself on the quality of her courtesy sled rides down the mountain, her ability to cry on demand, and the fact that no one can guess where her tattoo is located.

Favorite Quote “Math is hard lets go shopping!” – Albert Einstein

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